Definitely Not
by Takari-Rose
Summary: Dean Winchester is sure of many things. Like how he is definitely not gay. But Cas was different. Then the whole Purgatory mess happened. Destiel. Sort of a companion story to "What I Want", but a bit more explicit feelings.


**Supernatural is not belonging to me!**

Dean Winchester is sure of quite a few things. Like how myths and monsters are real and holy water scorches demons right down to the bones and how Sammy needs to be protected from himself. He knows he's been to Hell and back. He knows he is a hunter, he knows he can reassemble a handgun in ten seconds flat. Dean knows all of these things, he is sure of them.

Dean is also sure of one other thing. He is most definitely attracted to the female body. He is entirely straight.

It's not that he can't appreciate a good looking guy. He can see a nice ass on a male body, and think that it's nice. That if that same bottom was accompanied by soft curves and long, curly hair, he would definitely tap that. But there is no attraction with a man, no desperate want. Therefore Dean can conclude that he is definitely not gay.

That was before he had met Castiel. Something was different about Cas. Aside from the whole "all powerful angel of the Lord" thing.

But Dean had assumed it was to do with the fact that Cas was an angel. Whatever "it" was. Cas simply held himself in a way that radiated his Grace. And Dean found that something about that natural grace drew him towards Cas. In a word, it was weird.

Then there were the memories.

Dean doesn't like to remember Hell. He really would have preferred it if he hadn't remembered at all. Most of the memories are accompanied by a soundtrack of scream. They start out as his own, then dissolve into the scream of souls he tortured. But Cas knew. He didn't have to tell Cas, as he would with Sam. Cas just knew what he had done. Yet Cas didn't hesitate to call him a righteous man. And as much as Dean would deny the title, there was always a small burst of something—pride perhaps—when the angel spoke those words.

Sometimes Dean thinks he can remember being carried out of Hell by the angel. Flashes of black wings fluttering above him, a warmth surrounding him on all sides and a brilliant voice that called to him. But Dean could never recall the words spoken. There are times when he wants to question Cas, confirm that the memories are real. But he never does. Because when Dean thinks of Hell, he feels wrong. When he speaks of it at any length, the sense of wrongness spreads. And Cas can tell and he looks at Dean as if he staring straight into Dean's soul. Which he probably is, but that's not the point. Dean doesn't like those eyes. Because those eyes hold guilt, guilt that Cas couldn't get there in time. Dean doesn't blame Cas. Dean could never blame Cas. He had gotten himself stuck in the Pit of his own freewill, and he was lucky to have gotten out at all. The decades down there seemed to slip away when he and Sam and Cas managed to save people from the more malicious of the supernatural. But they always came back. And Dean keeps it all inside, because he's the big brother and has to take care of everyone.

Cas makes it all wash away. That's why Dean doesn't mind the strange staring contests that they seem to have constantly. Cas is divine and if Cas can forgive him than Dean can't be that horrible of a person, can he?

Sam likes to tease Dean about the apparent "eyesex" he and Cas are constantly engaging in. So does the rest of the world. At first, Dean denies it. Then he stops.

Because as much as Dean knows he's not gay, he also knows that Cas is different. It's Cas who makes him feel all sorts of things. It's Cas that makes him laugh for the first time in years. It's Cas that Dean can rely on, that Dean can easily trust.

Dean loves Cas for that. Around Cas, Dean feels like he's being protected, rather than being the protector. It's a pleasant change. For all of his" everything's good" act, Dean is just as damaged as his brother. No one tries to say anything else; actually, his self-proclaimed family won't leave it alone. Dean's just never been one for talking. But he can look at Cas's bright blue eyes and feel understood. It's a chick flick thing to say, but it comforts Dean. And there's a point where he would gladly take a little bit of comfort over any claim to masculinity.

That was how it started.

Then Dean started to notice other things about Cas. Physical things. Like how Cas tilts his head when he confused and the little frown he makes when he doesn't understand the pop culture references that are like a second language to Dean and Sam. Dean finds it all adorable. That's a thought that doesn't belong in the hunter's mind, or so he thinks. Dean doesn't even understand how a man could look adorable. But Cas manages quite well. And there's something undeniably attractive about his face.

Dean doesn't even realize when he stops caring about Cas intruding on his personal space. He just doesn't care, doesn't even think about it. Because in Dean's world where everything is wrong, it feels right.

And maybe Dean would have realized at some point that Cas is what he needs. That the feeling of happiness he had with Lisa would have been tiny compared to a relationship between him and the angel.

But then Cas had to do something stupid. He had to swallow freaking Purgatory and proclaim himself God. Something inside Dean had broken and he had pushed away he had ever thought he had felt for Cas. The trust was gone and nothing was left. Cas was gone and Dean was Dean Winchester again. The Dean Winchester who hit on girls in creepy bars on the edge of town and killed monsters on a good day.

But he wasn't. He was as broken as Sammy, but it wasn't the Devil running around in his head. It was regrets and guilts and pains, with no physical manifestation.

And now Cas had come back. Dean felt a bit guilty, for tearing Emmanuel away from his happy life with his wife. There was satisfaction too. The feelings had begun to return, and if he was telling the truth, Dean hated the idea of Cas being married to someone. Castiel was his angel who had saved him from the fires of the Pit and burned a handprint right onto Dean's shoulder. That women didn't deserve Castiel. No one did.

Dean still couldn't trust the angel though. Even though he had given up the calm, almost human life just to get through to Sam, Dean couldn't trust him. He could forgive. He had always forgiven Cas for what he had done. He couldn't stay angry at him, no matter how much he wanted to. If a small human could be forgiven by an angel for torturing the souls of others, surely an angel deserved to be forgiven by that same human.

And now Sam was fine and Castiel was locked up in the mental ward. Dean hated having to leave him. He wanted to stay, tell Cas that he had always been forgiven. He wanted to see Cas tilt his head curiously at Dean, as if he was trying to figure out where Dean's crazy thoughts were heading. Most of all, he wanted Cas to be sitting in the back seat of the Impala, everything as it was months ago. But that couldn't happen, so Dean kept driving, heading towards whatever could keep his broken more-than-friend out of his head.

**A/N: As I said, could be seen as a companion piece to "What I Want". There's more explicit mentions of sexuality and romance, but Dean is human, and actually aware of what feelings are. I'm also of the opinion that there's no way Dean isn't just a little broken inside. But Sam's obviously more important than any of his own demons. I hoped you liked it! I felt like Dean was a bit OOC in places, meh.**


End file.
